he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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