that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
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Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
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Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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