I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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