My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
how drunk are you?
Several
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
