What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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