when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
