I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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