1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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