census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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