God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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