tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
