woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
