ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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