you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
