we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
