Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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