I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
