walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
3pm strippers are depressing
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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