I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
