lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
