apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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