im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
