The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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