I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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