matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
this beer tastes like vomit already
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
