i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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