I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
