My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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