Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
