no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
