I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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