no you cant smoke seaweed
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
