Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
