I didn't shave. On purpose
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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