Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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