I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
