I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
