Im at strip club and am horny
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
