i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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