I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
