I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
