My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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