So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
