I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
