I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize