you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
