Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
