i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm too high and old for this...
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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