last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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