So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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