Don't make out with my wife yet
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
