By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever