New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
