Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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