Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
