My girlfriend figured out who you are.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
