he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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