We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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